Difficult Financial Conversations at the Holidays

While the holidays are supposed to be a time of relaxation, happiness, and being with loved ones, they can instead be a time of increased stress and emotions running high. Recognition of the holidays has a way of bringing together more generations and branches of family than any other time of the year. Largely, togetherness can yield a unique and wonderful feeling that makes everything a bit more special. But this togetherness combined with emotions running high can be a cocktail for inflammatory comments and conversations.

Almost all of us have had a dinner conversation turn more heated than an oven on Thanksgiving Day. The most-commonly reported topic of these discussions is politics. But have you ever had a heated conversation with your parents or other relatives about finances at the holiday dinner table? These conversations can get messy pretty quickly. Why? Well, just like politics, our ideas about money are deeply rooted in our experiences, beliefs, and emotions.

Some of the situations that you might run into are older generations making estate plans with which you don’t agree (e.g. beneficiary designations or plans to put money into a trust), the manner in which other individuals spend their money, or even who is or may be designated as a power of attorney for another family member. Luckily, I have a few top tips for helping to keep your food night from turning into a food fight.

John’s Top Tip 1: Ask questions more than expressing your opinion

This is one of my favorite tips for almost any situation: any time you feel like expressing an opinion, ask a question instead. Asking someone with whom you disagree why they feel the way that they do is a great method of trying to put yourself in their shoes. Approaching the conversation from a place of genuine curiosity will most often help to keep the conversation civil.

We all have these underlying ideas about money (called “money scripts” by those who study financial therapy) and they differ from person to person. The more questions you ask, the more easily you can figure out what some of the money scripts are of the person to whom you are talking. In the future, this will help you to be able to frame your conversations with them as well.

John’s Top Tip 2: Give yourself some space and step away from the conversation

I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely not the best at expressing myself when my emotions are running high. It takes some practice but it’s worth it to learn when it might be a good time to step away from a discussion and collect your thoughts. At the point where you realize this you might have been able to ask a few questions as recommended in tip one. Process the answers to those questions and try to understand why you feel the way you do (in other words: consider your own money scripts).

Feel free to write down some of your thoughts when you step away. Remember, these are important conversations that need to be had, but not necessarily right now. Jotting down some notes never hurts and gives you the opportunity to organize your thoughts. You could even write a letter to your family member that you give to them when the time seems right.

This leads perfectly to our final tip:

John’s Top Tip 3: Don’t confront in front of the entire family

Have you ever felt ganged-up on? How did you feel in that circumstance? Were you more reasonable or less reasonable? Generally speaking, we become defensive when we feel that multiple parties are (in unison) loudly expressing their opinions that are in opposition to our own.

Want to have a more constructive conversation? Try approaching the family member with whom you don’t agree when you have a chance to talk with them one-on-one. If you have other family members who feel the same as you, you could always ask them to support you by joining the conversation with you or finding another time to express their feelings to the intended family member in a less inflammatory environment.

Have you experienced a blow-up at a family holiday get-together or do you have a family member who isn’t seeing reason about a financial topic? Email me at jhowe@gencapmgmt.com. I want to hear all about it and see if we can figure out a way to bring your loved ones to the financial table in a constructive way!